[And that got him to sigh in relief, completely oblivious to the fact that in approximately eight minutes the two of them will flip out, rip out hearts, scream, and basically kick ass and take names. It's nice knowing that he's not the only one who (probably) followed cryptic chat app instructions and ended up in this place at ass o'clock.]

I've got this thing. [And here he hoisted the aforementioned chicken statue. It looks sturdy! Not sturdy enough to really fight with, but good enough to take a blow or two.] I was going to stick it in a tree if nothing happened-...you think it might be some weird cult thing, huh?

[He might've been wondering if it was an ARG. Or maybe a cult. Cult sounds surprisingly legit.] You might be on to something.